This week Donald Trump was endorsed as the Republican candidate for the US Presidential election. It is hard to know what to parody, what to take seriously and how to respect sovereignty of citizens in another Western democracy. This re-write factors in those competing thoughts. Read the original speech here.
Friends – and we are all friends here – even those who don’t agree and don’t support me – I call you friends as a sign of promise that we might find a way to respect and hear each other, learn to agree to disagree with no blood split, and no more deposits into the fear bank as a consequence of our differences.
It is remarkable we are here together with me as your nominee to put before the voters of the United States of America as one of their two choices for the next President. Who would have thought ! Our side of politics is on the rise, more people have got out for the Republican vote than they did 8 years ago and the Democrat vote is down 20%. We are on the march to the White House and we are going together. Our brand of what it means to protect, defend will rise. Our idea of what it means to be safe, generous, welcoming will manifest. Our duty to ourselves and the ethic that charity begins at home will prevail.
It is no longer going to be acceptable to welcome the stranger, we will not learn from our nation’s founders where the great lady on Hudson Bay beckons our forebears to come in the door to opportunity and freedom. We are saying good bye to that heritage and my legacy will be a wall: a physical sign of division and exclusion to conquer the outlaws and bands of thieves taking jobs from our people, building our economy and enticing us with their ingenuity. We are buoyed by our friends around the world who too are making a thing out of border control – thank you for leading the way UK with Brexit and Australia before you – the advantages you have as islands means you have moats – and we will have a wall.
I will bring truth back – the lies will be over once and for all – Some of you will get fired! We need to face facts about guns and people being killed in the line of duty. I will be repeating these facts and that will be enough. Homicides last year increased by 17% in America’s fifty largest cities. That’s the largest increase in 25 years.
I will put one set of facts up against another and you will connect them in your mind, even if there is no connection and even when I don’t suggest or offer solutions. It will be enough for you to hear them over and over again. And I will match those facts with stories designed to feed your fears and bunker down and perhaps build your own walls grouted together by ignorance and impoverishment of spirit. I will talk to you in ways that are simple and easy to understand. I will press your default buttons so you don’t have to work hard or dig deep into the complexity of problems and solutions.
When I say “one more child to sacrifice on the altar of open borders” you will know that means your own children could become human sacrifices, martyrs to freedom’s way, innocents slaughtered by raging infidels pouring into your homelands and worse still your own home at any tick of the clock. You will be reassured that I am in the White House making our economy strong, I will broadcast to you directly without the medium of newsrooms or editing suites. I will have my entire presidency filmed and bring transparency to a new level – this will be the greatest reality show in history! I won’t be depending on such unreliable methods of decision-making like women’s intuition – I will be making my decisions from the centre of my experience and power – from business – bringing Wall Street to the White House – another wall to build up the market and make America great again.
We are going to stop with the Chinese take-aways too – lets get the national debt down. I don’t know quite what to do about that – but America has the brightest and best and I am sure someone out there can figure it out and bring me a solution and when they do and if it isn’t what we need I will just say “you’re fired” and another person can have a go. Get in line! Who wants to be apprenticed to the President?
Grab your partners, your children, your friends and bring your interpretative dance, bling, glitz and glamour – we are heading to the White House. Stay tuned!