Sparks will fly #18 #humiliation

The different between embarrassment and humiliation has been a topic of discussion this week.  Embarrassment being an inside job and humiliation being an experience of power and something that cuts a lot deeper than embarrassment. Humiliation is often covered up and put in the corner, but it can be complete with outing and public scrutiny. The never ending dance includes familiar friends of shame and guilt.  Shame is also an inside job, and you feel completely alone and guilt focusses on behaviour and can often be shared. There is no end to opportunities to experience these emotions and see them play out everyday!  On the weekend, I was at a friends birthday party and some of the in-real-life Dad jokes caused embarrassment to the children of the father in question, but there was no guilt or shame to be seen.

Exploring these themes with aplomb is Brene Brown and her work around shame is bringing a revolution to emotional growth. Empathy, resilience and self-compassion seem to be the holy trinity inoculation and anti-dote to these other emotions, and breaking them down to be clear about what is yours and what belongs to the other.

If your heart can be big enough to hold the hurt, it might also be that strengthened by generosity, be big enough to hold the healing.  Matching the healing to size of the hurt, seems to be one of those equations of life that isn’t easily addressed.  Lots of little hurts can amalgamate in all kinds of ways, being swept under the carpet, stored behind closed doors, hidden under a bed … look at all those metaphors which imply darkness, out of sight and mediated by a solid object.  I think that is what we do to ourselves as well as our hearts harden and become impenetrable when we don’t let the hurts ooze out and act like the vulnerable human beings we are when we are betrayed and lost.

Coming out into the light, being exposed to the elements, it is inevitable we will be weathered. The innocence, power, creativity and splendour of the elements best described by John O’Donohue are at our disposal constantly being revealed in the landscapes around us and as the earth and the rivers are worn down and the wind wildly blows about us, as it does in Western Ireland, or for us in Australia how the sun beats down on us, the elements are irresistible. We are caught in their flow and our attempts to manage them with air conditioners, sunblock, umbrellas or even dams, doesn’t stop them being there. There are lessons we can transfer from the elements to our human condition. We can put up barriers, use devices, create and use psychological gymnastics but those emotions are with us and we need to work with them, not against them, to find our way out into the light and good weather of good health.

We are elemental beings where the great forces of air, earth, wind of course fire find themselves a home in our emotional selves and in our bodies.  Humiliation is in the earth from which the very word derives and has us digging deep to get through it.  Perhaps it is by working with the other elements to blow it away, give it space to breathe and let the sparks fly? Maybe then that it can be relieved of its duty to call us closer to knowing our worth and understanding humiliation as a by-product of institutional injustices. When that realisation comes to the fore … sparks will fly.

 

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Photo by Mahkeo on Unsplash

Sparks will fly #17 #fallenbough

There is a twisted bough fallen heavily from the lemon scented gum at the back of my property, it is large and arrived to the ground still full of life. It completely severed from the trunk. When it first fell, if you rubbed the still green leaves together you get a whiff of the essence of the tree. Now the leaves are beginning turning brown and crisping up in the late afternoon sun of early autumn. It probably fell due to the lack of rain. Many on the land call these conditions ‘widow makers‘, because the weight of such a fall can indeed kill someone being near when the branch falls. I am mesmerised by this twisted limb, it has now shed its bark revealing a smooth salmon pink layer. Many new creatures are finding their home where bigger birds once lived, smaller ones are happily finding food and nesting material. Spiders and bugs are considering residency. Transformation is well underway.  The morning symphony includes the cabasa rustle of a lizard who prefers to remain camouflaged.  There is the staccato of the miner birds and the incessant squawking of the galahs overhead who don’t make it to ground as there is nothing in my garden worthy of their attendance.  The tree and her fallen bough are enough spiritual direction for me right now.

This is coexistence – one life  dead on the ground and another being repurposed and recycled. There is more than one life being lived and dying at any one time. It is a relentless waxing and waning. The process of growing up, growing older, there is no such thing as stasis and to try and hold still is to be working against all of creation. You might be able to get a moment of rest and silence but eventually a limb will fall, a new niggle will unlock another part of yourself demanding attention.  Maybe it is an injury, an illness that arrives, some bad news, some good news, reading an idea, getting a smile from a stranger … whatever the it is … we are in a constant state of movement. Those who try to hang on to what ever they think it is that is the same, ache and hurt and spend inordinate about of time trying to keep things static. It isn’t possible. Being able to flow, not go with the flow, just flow (or how it is referred to in improv as playing yes let’s) is an antidote to fundamentalism and tribalism.  At a personal level it is easy for routine and discipline to be an excuse to not make changes, but if we are truly faithful to a discipline change happens and perhaps a bough falls and brings us crashing to the ground as result of a discipline, as much as the result of a natural disaster.

The widow making fallen branch is identified while still attached to the tree by the experienced arborist. Those who know how to listen and read the gum trees can take their chain saw, or provide advice on which paths to avoid, they are the doctors and prophets.  Equally there are the seers who point out what might be lying in wake to cause us harm or perhaps help us determine where not to go, but if we are not listening or perhaps only occasionally visitors in those terrains, we may miss the expert advice or worse still, not have an expert on hand to point out what they know to the novice in the landscape.  I find myself traversing many new lands and am relying heavily on those who can read signs I don’t even know are there, and can provide guidance to where to put my foot to cause me no harm.

I have had enough of being caught under a falling bough, despite my fidelity and discipline. I have had an abundance of losses at so many levels, the grief-o-meter has gone off the scale more than once these past 18 months. So now I am looking under the branch and through the rustling leaves to see what new treasures might be hidden there. What lessons are lurking in the shadows still playing with me in the golden dawn light and rosy glows of the afternoon? In this season of light, sparks will fly.

This is the last poem Osip Madelstam wrote before he was sent off to a camp by Stalin where he died soon afterwards.

And I Was Alive

 

And I was alive in the blizzard of the blossoming pear,
Myself I stood in the storm of the bird–cherry tree.
It was all leaflife and starshower, unerring, self–shattering
power,
And it was all aimed at me.

What is this dire delight flowering fleeing always earth?
What is being? What is truth?

Blossoms rupture and rapture the air,
All hover and hammer,
Time intensified and time intolerable, sweetness raveling rot.
It is now. It is not.

(May 4, 1937)

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Sparks will fly #16 #resurrection

Deaths – there have been a few and resurrections seem to take more than three days – the cycle though of dying and rising is universal. Coming to a détente with death has all the agreements of any truce, ceasing of hostilities and the strains in the relationship, to accept the politics on offer and that some tensions can never be eased, just tolerated. But when you find out there is the possibility of coming to an acceptance the inevitability of death, it is a deep reminder that it is life chosen to be lived that can be the best diplomat for accepting all the gifts on offer from a new beginning or for the next resurrection. Dying to ourselves, our ego, burying the past, digging in and holding on – there is plenty to choose from when contemplating what you might lie down and let go of and perhaps too, what will be taken away from you without your consent. This seems to be part of the no-mans land that coexists with détente before any new day dawns.

On this Easter weekend, I am spending some time in the fields of Tyagarah Ti Tree farm where cathedrals are tents worthy of sultans and sultanas arriving with their caravans of musical equipment. Many of the high priests and priestesses ask us to make a vow for more humanity, kindness and to recognise in this place we are all one family, and it is only outside that the whole world is going crazy. There is something about live music and music festivals in particular that enable community to form on not much more than ‘three chords and the truth’. The sensory experience finds its way to cells throughout the body and deeply ingrained in the mind too, new pathways for new sounds and old ones refreshed and rewarded by memory. Familiar riffs and bass lines woven around lyrics are delivered via a set of lungs bellowed through speakers who have travelled further than anyone on the stage. My ears just one of the thousands of sets willing in receipt of the gift of this music. Whether it be the moaning of the elder activist, Mavis Staples, a witness to Martin Luther King, Rob Hirst’s t-shirt with a pertinent and relevant message in this election season, the energy from Steven Van Zandt and his Disciples of Soul belting out Sun City – I know for me music is always at the heart of my spiritual expression of justice through death and resurrection.

Music is so central to what it means to be heard, to be seen and to instruct what action you might take – whether it be a simple chant in a march or a complex set of harmonies and big band sound forecasting how the new world will come – it is always music that delivers for me. The music can come in the form of rain on a tin roof or raging waves as well, and the syncopation in nature with the blend of birdsong and breeze is always found where I live. The dying and rising of sound is constant, especially the falling into silence as sound fades away.

There is no détente with music and maybe this is a clue to what dying and resurrection is all about, allowing the sounds to come and go, prescribed and improvised. With the fingers moving at speed on stringed and keyed instruments on every stage. When everything is so tightly scripted there is no room for joy and surprises it shows – I think this is what détente looks like – a musician just tolerating and enduring, rather than playing with what has shown up. Iggy Pop screamed at a sound engineer to get the mix right and the expletives may have humiliated the guy working the booth, but somehow it was raising the stakes about what it means to rise, and not die, for Iggy. I like the direct and unforgiving way Iggy chooses life over death – there is no Good Friday for him – Easter Sunday everyday – grabbing life by the throat and throttling every ounce he can out of the day he has been given and taking it to the people from whatever stage he is on.

Waiting in the tomb for a day or so is perhaps the practice (music practice for some), the chance to get ready to come out fighting for life, renewed, recast and resurrected. In the original Good Friday narrative, first there is the rock and then there is the roll. And when that combination arrives together, death ends up backstage, and it is inevitable, sparks will fly.

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Little Steven – Bluesfest’s 30th Birthday – 2019

Sparks will fly #15 #limestone

I climbed over a lot of limestone this past week. Limestone is organic, sedimentary rock. It comes from a relentless accumulation of shell, coral, algae, skeletal remains and fecal debris. It is made of stuff that is left behind and it lays down the foundation for the next thing. It is hard and unforgiving and it lasts – around 500 million years.  The last time I walked along such rocks was in Ireland on The Burren.  The views and the environment of Kangaroo Island more spectacular than the Cliffs of Mohar and my twin heritages of Australia and Ireland came together bringing me home to myself on the Wilderness Trail.

Picking my way across the top of the cliffs, one rock and steady foot at a time, carefully and deliberately, to get safely to the next destination, aching and tired but incredibly satisfied about getting to the other side.  The invitation waiting the next morning to do it all again, each day unfolding new landscapes and new horizons to savour and work around. Focussing on one foot at a time, and knowing all the while the only thing to do is to walk forward. There is no going back, the foundations are already laid and going nowhere.  Linking my Burren experience to this place, I recall Patrick McCormack leaning on his hazelwood staff and reciting Gerard Manley Hopkins sonnet, God’s Grandeur – nature is never spent even if I am at the end of the day, and each morning is welcomed by the bright wings of the sun’s rays and the call of a multitude of wrens, finches, parrots and Cape Barren geese.

God’s Grandeur by Gerard Manley Hopkins

The world is charged with the grandeur of God. 
It will flame out, like shining from shook foil; 
It gathers to a greatness, like the ooze of oil 
Crushed. Why do men then now not reck his rod? 
Generations have trod, have trod, have trod; 
And all is seared with trade; bleared, smeared with toil; 
And wears man’s smudge and shares man’s smell: the soil 
Is bare now, nor can foot feel, being shod. 
And for all this, nature is never spent; 
There lives the dearest freshness deep down things; 
And though the last lights off the black West went 
Oh, morning, at the brown brink eastward, springs— 
Because the Holy Ghost over the bent 
World broods with warm breast and with ah! bright wings.

There are never enough moments to savour beauty, nor to contemplate the complete offering of nature. Pilgrims all, we find each other in the wilderness from time to time, lost and smudged, smeared by work, waiting for the dark to leave. Could there be no better way of recognising just how charged our world is with grandeur than seeing the moon and stars rise and then give way to the dawn? Each new day total gift, despite the hard rock we might find ourselves treading to get through to the next day.

Mindful by Mary Oliver

Everyday
I see or hear
something
that more or less

kills me
with delight,
that leaves me
like a needle

in the haystack
of light.
It was what I was born for —
to look, to listen,

to lose myself
inside this soft world —
to instruct myself
over and over

in joy,
and acclamation.
Nor am I talking
about the exceptional,

the fearful, the dreadful,
the very extravagant —
but of the ordinary,
the common, the very drab,

the daily presentations.
Oh, good scholar,
I say to myself,
how can you help

but grow wise
with such teachings
as these —
the untrimmable light

of the world,
the ocean’s shine,
the prayers that are made
out of grass?

“Mindful” by Mary Oliver from Why I Wake Early. © Beacon Press, 2005.

It is as Mary Oliver says the untrimmable light offering daily wisdom teaching and forever holding us to account of ordinariness. For there is nothing special or unexpected in each day arriving, yet by paying the deepest attention, every moment is totally unique and a never to be repeated occasion. Each moment holds it’s own, is precious and entirely complete. To love in each moment and not miss the love coming back to you from the broody breast that covers us in the sky and reveals herself in rocks, stones, blades of grass, birdsong, a smile, a hug, even a facebook post of care and compassion – this is central to the pilgrim – to notice, to receive and to bow down with gratitude for the gifts along the journey.

To appreciate we all walk on our own version of limestone, and that historic platform is what helps us traverse. Limestone is our friend, reminding us we are the ones who can walk, we are the ones who go forward on the ground made by tireless work of the elements and creatures before us, we are the privileged and endowed by our ancestors, who forecasted us and who handed us the mantle to go forward in confidence, although perhaps more slowly and carefully, than we might like from time to time.

The landscape changes and limestone gives ways to woods and sand, to hills and plains and then to all hues of green – what Hildegard called viriditas – the greening power of the Divine.

It is in nature we are infused and connected to the ordinary and the excellent, woven together to bring us to take another step forward mysteriously and in the case of walking on limestone, meticulously!

It is inevitable, that paying this much attention, sparks will fly.

“O most honored Greening Force,

You who roots in the Sun;
You who lights up, in shining serenity, within a wheel
that earthly excellence fails to comprehend.

You are enfolded
in the weaving of divine mysteries.

You redden like the dawn
and you burn: flame of the Sun.”
–  Hildegard von Bingen, Causae et Curae

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Day 2 #KIWT 

 

Sparks will fly #14 #redcarpet

Waiting on the edge of a red carpet at Government House to take steps towards the Governor to receive a honour determined not by politics, or winning a popularity contest, or a vote, I seriously wondered what I was doing there. Then the Secretary read out the citation and an explainer and how the narrative was put together on a lifetime’s work in a few minutes. I thought he was the person to get next time a pitch needed to be prepared!

We really do need storylines to get to where we want to go and sometimes to reinterpret where we have been. These past few years have been horrible in many more ways than most readers will know or I am willing to share in this space. And equally I have had some of the most amazing moments and opportunities. That is the paradox of life, I met, this week, on the red carpet.

I had a revelation in that moment on the carpet. The depth of the pain and betrayal, being met by high honours and acclamation. The private world out bid by the public world. There are new buses to get on, a friend of mine says. I can’t get on those buses without new narratives and songs to sing that will transform, heal and hold onto in moments when under threat or taking a hit. Getting out of my own way to hear the tune and to step onto that carpet is an invitation. A genuine moment of grace. The badge an external reminder of who you are, where you have been and a hint at what awaits you.

The carpet made red, the most valuable of all dyes, from the scale of an insect, that lives on cacti. I love the provenance of the red carpet. Just as an aside however there is an alternative narrative to this tale as well (see below the photo for this tale as told by Wikipedia).

A classic revelation of one idea being used to fix another, and then another. Yet the idea of the red carpet prevails, a place worthy of royalty walking. We are all worthy of walking down red carpets to allow our past to meet our future. I am thinking there should be more red carpet moments to pass through the threshold, to bridge between private and public worlds, to be ready to stride into the space that is made in your shape, ready to receive you. The Governor takes pride to say a few private words to you and enjoys letting you know he knows something personal about you. For me, he mentioned my children and my recent trip to New York – thereby bringing into the room at that very moment some of the people central to this story who were missing on the day. It was angelic to hear his softly spoken Vietnamese voice, his suitcase full of dreams as he describes, lilting to my ear, connections of my story … on the red carpet … all worthy of being there.

I am deeply honoured to receive this Australian award and for the women who toiled away in secret and didn’t tell me what they had done by nominating me, it was a wonderful surprise of love and friendship and recognition. I now honour them in how I go forward. To go forward with the colour of red in my mind. A colour that is truly of flesh and toil, of sacredness and the sun. A colour that calls out courage and invokes power. It is not a colour I wear very often, and I don’t have a red carpet to roll out for special occasions … but maybe I will get one.

In my darkest moments I forget what contributions I have made, I can’t hear the tune and I have no idea of the steps I have taken that might have even helped get me here. But there I was at the end of a red carpet so even if I can’t see it, others can and I bring myself to attention, literally attention, so I can be present to the moment, and all that it recognises and in doing so recognise myself being played back to me by the Master of Ceremonies. I take a sip of air and drink in the moment when Australia says thank you to me and I take a bow in gratitude … on the red carpet.
Red is the colour of sparks. Sparks.Will.Fly.

ps if you are a hardcore fan and want to see the ceremony it is here. I am introduced at 13.00 mark.

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Photo by: J. C. Carton/Bruce Coleman Inc.

Did you know? Opuntia species, known commonly as prickly pears, were first brought to Australia in an attempt to start a cochineal dye industry in 1788. Captain Arthur Phillip collected a number of cochineal-infested plants from Brazil on his way to establish the first European settlement at Botany Bay, part of which is now Sydney, New South Wales. At that time, Spain and Portugal had a worldwide cochineal dye monopoly via their New World colonial sources, and the British desired a source under their own control, as the dye was important to their clothing and garment industries; it was used to colour the British soldiers’ red coats, for example.The attempt was a failure in two ways: the Brazilian cochineal insects soon died off, but the cactus thrived, eventually overrunning about 100,000 sq mi (259,000 km2) of eastern Australia. The cacti were eventually brought under control in the 1920s by the deliberate introduction of a South American moth, Cactoblastis cactorum, the larvae of which feed on the cactus. Extract from Wikipedia

Sparks will fly #13 #resolve

Mornings sometimes arrive as relief, no longer a struggle to sleep with thoughts that refuse to go away. Dawn creeps between the blades of blinds eeking out an invitation to a new beginning. Wondering if I can be trusted with the wandering, chattering questions, that will never be answered without forensic investigation, the day light draws me the present and offers a fresh start, forward.

I am learning something gone does not need to be replaced or repaired or even re-imagined. It can just be gone. Ended. Not everything resolves. Yet, I do long for a resolve.

While learning a new song yesterday, there was line that did not resolve, it just hung there, suspended as a single whole note, when joined with the other three parts there was a resolution in the next phrase. To wait for the next phrase, to be joined by others before the harmony can be heard. I always get a lesson from the music.

Resolving is like untangling a brainteaser, the discovery to be found remaining hidden, until a new insight arrives or piece of information is added, or the time comes for the resolution to arrive.

I am in the lounge at the airport and breakfast is being served, but the purpose of my visit to this place is to take me to another city. There maybe resolutions waiting for me there, but more likely clues towards resolutions in the making.There is a neverending dance of beginnings and endings, and everything in between, has the seeds of both as well. The chance to be ‘half a shade braver’ as David Whyte would say, embedded in every conversation.

I recently was subjected to some feedback from a leadership group I am a part of, one piece of feedback that I am hanging onto is someone described me as “fearless”. I try to be brave, to be honest, to speak truth to power. I was touched at another noticing that quality, in reality though it is more that I am secure because I am the least responsible for others than I have ever been. I have nothing to loose. It means I can do and speak in ways others might not be able. This is a new kind of turning up and a new responsibility.

Facing your own fears, nearly always revolves around a dip into humiliation, willingness to be wrong and a testing the trust quotient of others. When someone has my back through that moment, I am resolved.

For all those who have my back I am deeply grateful and it helps me be a half a shade braver as well as teaching me how to have the back of others. These past few weeks has been a season where I have been blessed with people having my back as I have worked, and am working, to resolve matters on a number of fronts.

Invoking the style of John O’Donohue’s blessings, here is one I have written for those who have had my back and helped bring resolutions and for myself when I am called on to do the same.

A blessing for those who have your back

When the moment comes and you are needed to hold the space,

May you gaze with encouragement to reach the heart who needs to feel that gaze.

When the moment comes and fear arrives,

May you stand beside and offer comfort.

When the moment comes and discomfort and distracting thoughts, vie for power,

May you hold the focus and intent.

When the moment comes and the voice waivers,

May you silently, steadfastly, let no one interrupt.

When the moment comes and the words take shape,

May you add your voice to affirm and confirm.

When the moment comes and other step is needed,

May you step up and take one for the team.

When the moment comes and resolve is in the air,

May you be ready to act and say “I have your back”.

Sparks.Will.Fly.

Great work from https://linktr.ee/imdeadpeaceful

Sparks will Fly #12 #highestgood

There is a river in this heart of mine

With a knowingness of my highest good

These lyrics don’t appear until verse three, and it is only in verse three, that all the voices are heard. It is a favourite of the choir I sing in and the lines are followed by a Hallejuah as that is the name of the song, the Hebrew hallĕlūyāh ‘praise ye the Lord.  Praise is both noun and verb and when I experience the sound we make together, the sound itself is noun and verb, a declaration and an invitation. I can’t get the song out of my head this week, amidst the fallout from Christchurch, each day I am drawn into the leadership of a woman that is an expression of her country’s culture yearning to wholeness, and my own that created the product who executed the terrorism. I am taken back by the time Prime Minister Ardern is taking, to be in the grief, and not be in a hurry to move on, and encouraged by the world media who astonished by her behaviour continue to reflect on her. She is leaving no stone unturned, methodically she is going from place to place, school, hospital, family, mosque, park and playground. She is open, vulnerable, sad. She is a mother and a leader, a tigress protecting her nation with hope and humility, courage and strength. This is a new expression of leadership. She is redefining what it means to tap into the highest good of a nation. I am reminded of the best speech Kim Beazley ever gave – when he lost what I call the Tampa election in 2001. He recalled this in a conversation with Geraldine Doogue some years later

Like any nation there are bleak angels in our nature, but there are also good angels as well. And the task and challenge for those of us in politics is to bring out the generosity that resides in the soul of the ordinary Australia, that generosity of heart, so that we as a nation turn to each other and not against each other in the circumstances which we face.

Ardern has been able to actually do this – show us all how a politician can lead a nation in turning to one another and not against each other.

I am deeply disturbed by the results in the NSW election last night – a community of voters elected Mark Latham to One Nation and another community electing Jenny Leong as Greens member. There could be no bigger gap in a parliament between these two elected representatives.  Together they demonstrate the polarities defining our nation – white and non-white, male and female, inner city and regional. We are dangerously closer to the US in our political landscape than our friends across the Tasman.

In the NZ PM we are being invited to a transfiguration, an invitation to a complete change of form into a more beautiful or spiritual state, where politics is a reflection of our best selves and not a reduction to the lowest common denominator. We are being invited into leadership to transcend polarities by rising to our higher selves, by tapping into the river in our hearts, that yearns and knows what is good and great, graceful and gritty. We are arrive at this invitation on the threshold of our own Alleluia and with the question on our lips, are we the ones who knowingly and intentionally rise to the occasion and embrace those grieving by setting aside our own analysis, perspective, fear of the other.

This is a time to call on the good angels, the ones who will feed our spirits and souls and fill us up with courage and light, carry us through sad times and bring us deeper humanity.  Leaving people behind will breed bleak terrorist angels. It will have dogs being whistled by their masters, starving, in a dry river bed. We need to fill each other up.

In no time at all we will be heading to the national ballot box, where we can express how we feel with the rather blunt instrument of a vote. We are being called to turn to each other in our common heartache and broken-ness and this feels like an easter story in the making. It feels both like the last embers of a fire glowing in the dark and the promise of a new fire to light up a new way for generosity to show up in Australia. All kinds of sparks might fly.

AUGURIES OF INNOCENCE
by William Blake

To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
A Robin Red breast in a Cage
Puts all Heaven in a Rage
A Dove house filld with doves & Pigeons
Shudders Hell thro all its regions
A dog starvd at his Masters Gate
Predicts the ruin of the State …

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